where do we go from here
by nanrea
Summary: Even after everything, there's still something left to say. Post xillia 1.


Alvin stood at the place where Muzet had left them all in the aftermath of the dissolution of the Schism; at the top of the Hallowmont. His fists clenched as he watched the others begin to drift down the ridge quietly, Gaius striding ahead of the rest. Alvin, however, couldn't bring himself to even make a step.

She'd done it again, hadn't she? She'd left them all alone again and he-

A rough tap on the back of his head broke him out of his thoughts. "Wha-?" he sputtered as he spun around.

Leia stood tall, her eyes fierce as she gripped her staff in front of her as if ready for a fight. "You're not going to freak out again, are you?" she demanded. "Because if you are I'm going to have to really beat some sense into you this time."

Alvin could feel himself freeze, face locked into wide eyed shock as he scrambled for a response, any response. Flippant charm? No, that was the mask he always used to deflect and lie. Anger? He was always angry, but he couldn't be angry at Leia, not after the way he'd hurt her before, the way he'd almost killed her. Apologize? He didn't think there'd ever be a way to finish apologizing. What then? What could he say to take that fear masked behind her ferocity away?

His mind raced in circles and the silence stretched on into awkwardness before they both seemed simultaneously to sigh and Leia lowered her staff.

"I'm sor-"

"Look, Leia, I-"

They froze again, stumbling over each other's words, trying to let the other talk.

"Sorry-"

"Alvin-"

Leia blinked up at him, her face sliding from wariness to humor to guarded again so fast it almost made him dizzy. "You go first," he choked out, warring against the clash of grief and amusement and confusion that swamped him.

She sighed and finally looked away, her stance relaxing and her face sliding into a sadness that was too old for someone so young.

"Sorry," she said so quietly he almost couldn't hear her. "I know this isn't easy, and it's tough to lose Milla again so soon after getting her back, and I guess a part of me is just scared." She chewed her lip a moment before looking back at him, her eyes fierce once again. "I know Jude will be okay this time, but I heard how you sounded when she told us her decision. You . . . you sounded just like you did back then. I- I don't want to lose you again too, Alvin."

It felt like his heart had stopped in his chest, like someone had sucker punched him so hard his breath stopped. "Back then?" he asked, even though he already knew.

"Back when you came to kill Jude, you jerk," she said, shoving a finger into his chest. "I could hear you guys fighting, you know, like a couple of idiots, wondering what to do without Milla there to tell you. Why is it so hard for you to figure out? Milla doesn't want to tell us what to do, she wants us to figure out our own path!" Leia waved her hand, gesturing as if to indicate the world around them. "You think she would have wanted you to start killing all your friends?"

Alvin puffed out a sigh. At least this one, he knew the answer to. "When we first met, yeah, I think she would have expected me to try if it would accomplish my goals."

Leia's jaw dropped open, then snapped shut with an audible click. "What?"

"I mean she definitely mellowed out after that business with Fort Gondala and being paralyzed, but yeah. Before that, if it would have helped her complete her mission, Milla would sacrifice anything. Or at least, so she said." Alvin ruffled his hair and turned away, looking out over the valley beyond the Hallowmount as he considered his next words. "I guess, she wouldn't do it now, probably. But Milla was all about her mission, you know."

He could feel Leia's gaze burning into his back, and dropped his hand from his head. "My mission, ever since I got to Rieze Maxia, was to get back home. It . . . I don't know how Milla would have seen it, what she would have done, if someone told her the only way to accomplish her mission was to kill us. But I-I've never been the greatest at making the right choice."

He risked a glance behind him, wanting but dreading to know if she was still listening, what she thought of his words. Leia's eyes were glassy and wide, and she was hugging her staff to her chest as if it were a lifeline. He heaved a sigh and forced himself to face forward again, letting his eyes slide closed against the sight.

"I don't- I don't think I can ever really make up for what I did back then," he murmured. "I'm sorry."

She was silent so long he almost wondered if she'd left. He didn't want to turn to look to see if he was right. He didn't want to be.

"It was like I lost all three of you," he heard her mumble. "Like when Milla died she took you and Jude with her."

His eyes popped open at her words but before he could say anything Leia collided with his back and her slim arms wrapped around his middle and clutcherd fist fulls of his jacket in a white knuckled grasp. "She left and you both went with her and what was I supposed to do?" Her voice rose as she continued, "Jude - He - I couldn't even get him to eat, I could barely get him to move when you - You - You weren't the only ones lost without her but no one was there to hold me together! I can't! I can't do it again, Alvin, I can't watch you try to leave with her again, I- I-" her voice stumbled into incoherence as sobs choked her throat.

Alvin unclenched her hands from his jacket and turned awkwardly in her embrace. "Hey," he said, stumbling for something to say. "Hey. That- it won't happen again, I promise. I'm sorry, I promise." He patted her gently on the back, not sure what to do with his arms as she buried her face in his scarf. He settled on pressing them gently against her back, rocking a bit as he continued murmuring apologies into her hair before falling silent and just letting her cry.

It only seemed to take a couple minutes for Leia to cry herself out, but she seemed content to stand in his embrace for several minutes more before pulling back enough to look up at him, and then finally, almost seeming reluctant, to stepping away.

"Sorry," she said, turning and wiping at her eyes. "I just-"

Alvin caught her hand in his as she lowered it. "Don't apologize," he interrupted, looking at their joined hands. "I . . . there's nothing for you to apologize for, Leia, I-"

He fell silent as she squeezed his hand. "I feel a little bit better, now that I've finally gotten that off my chest," she said in a fair imitation of her usual cheer. She tugged at his hand, stepping closer again to get him to meet her eyes. "Alvin, I want us both to stop having that hang over us, and I. I want to move forward, find my own path, and I want that for you too." She brought her other hand up to clasp his between them. "Alvin, promise me you'll find a new path to walk, one that we can all walk with you."

He stared into her earnest green eyes, struggling to wrestle down the tangle of emotions fighting in his chest. "Jeez," he managed to say. "Don't make any tough demands, there, Leia."

And then she was back to glaring at him, and he had to fight the urge to press a finger to the line between her brows, settling instead for a familiar, placating smirk, but this time honestly as something resolved itself in his heart. "Sure," he said, wrapping his other hand around hers too. "If you're all gonna be there to walk it with me, I think I can manage."

The smile she gave him then was radiant, fragile, but the nod she gave was firm. "Of course," she said, her voice strong and clear. "I'll have to be there to make sure to catch you, if you fall."

He wasn't sure what to say to that, but her words eased some part of him that he hadn't even realized was tense, and he felt his smirk shift into a genuine smile.

If she was there, he wouldn't be alone. With her watching, he wouldn't let himself falter again.


End file.
